Post by NashaCorey on Nov 25, 2022 18:05:15 GMT
Courtroom - Morning. Everyone is sitting around waiting for the judge. In walks JUDGE HARTLEY, strutting like the prize at a bachelor auction.
BAILIFF: All rise. Honourable Judge Hartley presiding. Your honour, this is case #55217 in the matter of Barry vs. Hannity.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Thank you, be seated. We’re going to begin by having Officer Mayer read the official police report. Take a seat on the stand.
(OFFICER MAYER sits on the witness stand, pulls out a piece of paper and begins reading.)
OFFICER MAYER: Incident took place on March the 5th, 2017. The defendant, Mr. Hannity, arrived late for his shift at the Value Mart and was seen with a large ball of cotton candy.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Objection! My client’s eating habits are irrelevant to this case.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Overruled. I like stories about food.
OFFICER MAYER: Mr. Hannity proceeded to mosey into the back room, where the plaintiff’s husband, Mr. Barry, was moving a heavy skid of product. Mr. Barry made a sharp turn, causing the skid to tilt, and he asked Mr. Hannity for a hand in stopping it from tipping. At that point, Mr. Hannity began to clap, and Mr. Barry was subsequently crushed by half a ton of table salt. Mr. Hannity was then found hiding in the women’s restroom when police arrived on the scene.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Objection! My client was not hiding, he was dropping a deuce!
JUDGE HARTLEY: Overruled! No one wants to hear about Mr. Hannity’s bowel movements.
OLD WOMAN IN THE JURY BOX: I do.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Thank you, Officer, you may step down. Mr. Hannity, you are charged with manslaughter and abysmal comedic timing. How do you plead?
HANNITY: I was going to say innocent, but my lawyer advises me to plead guilty.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Oh, he admits his guilt! Let’s throw him in the slammer and go to lunch!
JUDGE HARTLEY: Sit down! Mr. Hannity here is going to have a proper trial. Then we’ll throw him in the slammer and go to lunch. We will now hear opening statements.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honour. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a man died because Mr. Hannity chose an inappropriate moment to use the oldest joke in the book. If you let him go free, who’s to say he won’t do it again? Who’s to say he won’t dance around in a woman’s dress under the false assumption that transvestitism is funny, or that he won’t shout “Say hello to my little friend!” every time he sees something smaller than he is? Ladies and gentlemen, the victim here was not George Barry. The victim…was comedy.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Thank you. Defense?
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I have one question for you today: Is Mr. Hannity not an attractive man?
(The jury murmurs in agreement that he is in fact a good looking fellow.)
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: That’s all, your honour.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Prosecution, your first witness.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I call Douglas Hannity to the stand!
(He points dramatically at the defendant, causing the jury to gasp. Hannity takes the stand.)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Hannity, would you please demonstrate for the court what a clap is?
HANNITY: …Seriously?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Drop the attitude, Hannity! Not everyone knows your disturbed methods of passive violence!
HANNITY: I’m pretty sure everyone knows how to clap.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Oh? (Turning to the jury) Raise your hand if you don’t know what clapping is.
(Everyone in the jury box raises their hands.)
HANNITY: Oh, come on! These are the people deciding my fate?
JUDGE HARTLEY: Just clap for us, Mr. Hannity.
(Hannity claps his hands once.)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Your honour, I’d like to request that Mr. Hannity repeat the action multiple times in succession so as not to confuse the clap with a self high five.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Very well. Proceed, Mr. Hannity.
(Hannity begins applauding, and the jury nods in satisfaction as if they finally understand the big mystery.)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: That’s enough, thank you. Mr. Hannity, how long would you say you clapped for on the night of the incident? 10 seconds, perhaps?
HANNITY: About three minutes.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: You clapped for three minutes.
HANNITY: That’s correct.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be the worst comedian I’ve ever seen!
HANNITY: I’m not a comedian, your honour. I’m a stockboy.
JUDGE HARTLEY: It’s a good thing, I wouldn’t pay money to see your show!
HANNITY: Your honour, I’d like to request that you apologize for hurting my feelings just now.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Shut up, Mr. Hannity. Prosecution, continue.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: So, Mr. Hannity… You say that you clapped for three minutes. Was this a straight three minutes or more of a running total after clapping on and off a few times?
HANNITY: It was a consistent three minutes. Why would I stop and start again? That would ruin the joke.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Hannity, please, you’re in no position to speculate over the merits of joke telling. So are we to assume that during this three minute window of clapping, the plaintiff’s husband, Mr. Barry, was crushed and killed, while you continued to stand there and applaud?
HANNITY: That is not incorrect.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Please don’t use double negatives in my courtroom.
HANNITY: That is very correct.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Please don’t use double positives in my courtroom.
HANNITY: …Yes, I watched him die.
(The jury gasps.)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: So what you’re saying is you did nothing while an innocent man met his death.
HANNITY: No, I didn’t do nothing. I clapped.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: No further questions.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Defense, your witness.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Mr. Hannity, could you please describe for the court Mr. Barry’s last moments? How he reacted, what he might’ve said?
HANNITY: Well, he was grunting a lot, trying to push that salt back to an upright position, but, you know, salt is heavy. Then he screamed and there was a gross crunching sound.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Would you say he laughed when he saw you clapping?
HANNITY: Yes, I would definitely say that. At first he was screaming at me to help him, but then he looked over and he was like, “AHAHAHA YOU’RE THE MAN, I TOTALLY WALKED INTO THAT ONE BY THE WAY I PHRASED IT, I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID ‘HAND,’ AW MAN THAT’S HILARIOUS!”
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Objection! There’s no way Mr. Barry had the time to say all of that before being crushed by a falling skid!
JUDGE HARTLEY: Overruled. Let him finish his lie.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: So Mr. Barry genuinely laughed at your visual pun?
HANNITY: Yes, that’s correct.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know about you, but to me it sounds like it was all worthwhile now, doesn’t it?
(The jury murmurs in agreement. Judge Hartley glares at them.)
JUDGE HARTLEY: Goddamn, you people would agree with Hitler if he said a dead Jew under your pillow would bring 50 bucks in the morning!
(The jury nods in agreement again.)
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Would it not be fair to say that if a man dies in a horrible accident, it is tragic, but if a man dies laughing in a horrible accident, those who could have prevented it should get off scot-free?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Objection, we already know Mr. Hannity is going to jail!
JUDGE HARTLEY: Sustained. Let’s not give Mr. Hannity any false hope.
(Hannity looks crushed.)
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: No further questions.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Your honour, I call Mrs. Hallie Barry to the stand!
(The jury gasps. Everyone looks around expectantly for a moment. MRS. BARRY, a young blonde haired white lady, approaches the stand and sits down.)
JUDGE HARTLEY: Shit, I thought it would be the booby lady from Swordfish.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mrs. Barry, in your opinion, do you think your husband would ever intentionally tip a heavy skid of salt onto himself?
MRS. BARRY: Oh, no, no.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: And why is that?
MRS. BARRY: My gynecologist told him he has an irrational fear of being crushed.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I want to make sure everyone heard that: Mrs. Barry’s gynecologist, a licensed professional, says that George Barry would never crush himself. Who are you going to believe, ladies and gentlemen? A respected doctor or a man who doesn’t know how to properly tell a joke?
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Objection! Mr. Hannity’s joke telling skills can be considered hit and miss. Earlier in the bathroom he was telling me this one about a prostitute and a toaster oven and I almost laughed.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Sustained, only because I don’t want to hear you tell it.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mrs. Barry, one final question: is the person who killed your husband in this room today?
MRS. BARRY: Yes.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Would you kindly point him out, please?
(Mrs. Barry points to Hannity. The jury gasps.)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Let the record show that Mrs. Barry pointed to Mr. Hannity.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Objection, the witness was pointing to this table lamp!
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: She was not!
MRS. BARRY: Is that what I was pointing at?
JUDGE HARTLEY: Mrs. Barry, did you or did you not point to the stupid table lamp?
MRS. BARRY: Now I’m all confused… Can I try pointing again?
JUDGE HARTLEY: Proceed. But make it quick.
(Mrs. Barry reaches out her finger. It wavers for a moment as she decides where to point it. Finally, she points it downward.)
PROSECUTION: (Sigh) Why are you pointing at the floor?
MRS. BARRY: I’m showing you where the janitor missed a spot.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Fuck’s sakes! Okay, you’re done, Prosecution. Defense, your witness.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honour. Mrs. Barry, would you say your husband was a drunk? Drug addict, perhaps?
MRS. BARRY: No.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Would you say you are a drunk or an addict?
MRS. BARRY: Oh my, no.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Mrs. Barry, please. Think carefully. I really need someone with impaired judgment for this other case I’m working on.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Let’s stick to relevant subject matter. Unless it involves actor Kirk Cameron. I’d really love to know what he’s been up to lately.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: Mrs. Barry, please tell the court what your husband was like when he came home following the incident.
MRS. BARRY: He… He didn’t come home.
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: He didn’t come home. Ladies and gentlemen, can we really victimize a man who doesn’t even come home to his wife at night? Is it really fair to label him innocent?
MRS. BARRY: He was dead!
DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY: No, Mrs. Barry. He IS dead. If you use past tense, it makes it sound like he came back to life.
(Suddenly the doors at the back of the courtroom come flying open, and in walks a broken, beat up man: GEORGE BARRY.)
GEORGE BARRY: Dramatic entrance!
(Everyone turns to stare at him in silence.)
GEORGE BARRY: It’s me. George Barry.
(The jury gasps.)
JUDGE HARTLEY: How did you get past security?
GEORGE BARRY: Easy. I disabled the security system by short circuiting the main power grid yesterday when the courthouse was empty, and then I snuck in through the ventilation shaft and waited there until today’s trial, when I crawled out and disabled the guards with chloroform and then changed into one of their uniforms so I could sneak in here undetected.
JUDGE HARTLEY: Well, you may have found the easy way in, but getting out won’t be so simple. Pretending to be dead is a major offense! Seriously, I’m really offended, and a little pissed off, that we’ve had to waste so much time at this trial without a single mention of Kirk Cameron’s next project. I was going to ask Halle Berry, but that didn’t pan out.
HANNITY: Wait, wait, guys, this is perfect! George, you laughed at my joke, right?
GEORGE BARRY: What jo—oh, the clapping thing! So funny! Like I said, I walked right into it! I’m always walking into jokes, and women’s bathrooms.
HANNITY: Me too! That’s where I was after the skid fell on you!
JUDGE HARTLEY: Order! I think we’re about done here. I really need to eat something and go to the bathroom. Not in that order, but at the same time. Now, the arrival of Mr. Barry has nullified the manslaughter charge, but let’s not forget about his crimes against comedy. Let’s adjourn while the jury deliberates.
(10 Minutes later.)
JUDGE HARTLEY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: have you reached a verdict?
JURY SPOKESPERSON: We have, your honour. We the jury find the defendant… (pointing at Hannity) over there. We did it, everyone! We found him!
(The jury members cheer wildly. Judge Hartley puts a hand over his face.)
JUDGE HARTLEY: Lord, somebody please kill the shit out of me right now. Okay. I’m going to do this myself. With the revelation that Barry actually laughed at Hannity’s sorry attempt at humour, I have no choice but to find you both guilty of conspiracy to kill a joke. I’m sentencing you each to 15 years in a state correctional facility with a chance for parole after 5 years if you can make the guards laugh. And I mean a real belly laugh with no tickling involved. Case closed, court is adjourned.
(Judge Hartley bangs his gavel. The jury murmurs in astonishment. The bailiffs hold back Barry and Hannity as they try to protest their sentences. Judge Hartley leaves the room carrying a banana and some toilet paper.)
THE END
